This one is kinda long, but then it took me a kinda long time to make it to 1,000 posts!

Subject: Singin' the Blues

Folks: Here's what it takes: If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning...."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with
the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat
it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with
the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face
in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in
a ditch...ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays
a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to
get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably
just clinical depression.

Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have
the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get no
rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is
not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it
is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

A. highway

B. jailhouse

C. empty bed

D. bottom of a whiskey glass


11. Bad places for the Blues:

A. Nordstrom's

B. gallery openings

C. Ivy League institutions

D. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:

A. you're older than dirt

B. you're blind
C. you shot a man in Memphis

D. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

A. you have all your teeth

B. you were once blind but now can see

C. the man in Memphis lived

D. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people
also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's
the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

A. cheap wine

B. whiskey or bourbon

C. muddy water

D. black coffee


The following are NOT Blues beverages:

A. Perrier

B.Chardonnay

C. Snapple

D. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:

A. Sadie

B. Big Mama

C. Bessie

D. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:

A. Joe

B. Willie

C. Little Willie

D. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and
Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in
Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit:

A. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Mute, Lame, etc.)

B. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,
etc.)

C. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, Clinton,
etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Lame
Kiwi Clinton, etc.

(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")


21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.

Earline, I liked it so much I read it twice.

Re: computers... if you use up all your broadband and are reduced to dial up, does that count?

Earline,
Loved it!
CONGRATULATIONS on 1000 posts and your second star!

quote:

21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you
cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.

Leslie, refer to the quote. Rules is rules!

And -- by the way -- I just LOVE my new star! Whoopeeeeeeeeee!

Earline -

Congrats on your new star.
And, sorry, when my computer crashed once, I coulda sworn I was singing the blues!

Terry

Terry, you probably were singin' the blues because if your computer crashed, then at that moment in time you didn't have a computer. So you definitely qualified!

Right!

quote:

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

A. Perrier

B.Chardonnay

C. Snapple

D. Slim Fast

PIMP!! (that be computer lingo for "peeing in my pants", lest y'all were thinkin' I was callin' Miss Earline a Pimp) that was hee-sterical!!! congrats on your 1,000th post and extra

Can't wait for your 2,000th post joke...how ya gonna top this one?

Great having you here, I enjoy reading your posts and trip report(s).

Pokey

quote:

PIMP!! (that be computer lingo for "peeing in my pants"

I've got to add that one to my list of acronyms. I've never actually known somebody who created one of those, and now I do! Thanks, Pokey!

It took me 2 years 1 week and 6 days to get to 1,000 so I will apparently have a long time to come up with the next one.

Glad you enjoyed it! Ah been savin' this one for this special occasion!

Crippled satsuma Polk

Tone deaf uglifruit Van Burren

Slightly lethargic mango Bush.

mmmmm - Somethings not working for me here.

I loved the Blues list though

Tim

p.s - Am I off in my own pedantic universe when my immediate thought was "You could hardly begin : Didn't wake up this mornin" ?

Earline,

That was hysterical! I got to the PIMP stage when I read "Nordstrom's"!

Congratulations on the new

Palma

quote:

or Lame
Kiwi Clinton, etc.

(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

Tim, I think that one was covered. Maybe it will make you not feel so bad after all. Tho' feelin' bad is part of the blues.

Palma, do you think Nordstroms know that they are one the anti-blues list?

Congratulations on your new star, Earline!

That was definitely a 1,000th post-worthy joke. Thanks for the laugh.

Just caught up with the joke list. Earline, a hit, a palpable hit !!

Earline,

LMAO and fixin' to work on my Blues name. That was a classic


ps - I think "Earline" is an awesome blues name

I do qualify on several counts as a blues person.

1. I was born in a log cabin near Memphis. (Tho' I've never shot anybody there.) (Well, nowhere, as a matter of fact. Ah ain't fixin' to die yet.)

2. My daddy's name was Earl and my mamma's name was Aline. All the good names had apparently been taken by then so I got "Earline". I do consider myself fortunate, however, because the next kid was a boy and they named him George. Good Grief! I coulda been Georgette!

3. I was once married to a man named Clyde. People would mistakenly call me Bonnie.

4. I drove a pickup truck for several years. People would ask my husband how he liked his truck and I always enjoyed telling them that the truck was mine. I saw a bumper sticker once in Las Vegas that stated: "A girl and her pickup -- it's a beautiful sight!"

Yes, Earline is mentioned as a character name any time somebody wants the quintessential Southern rube woman name. "Earline, stop eatin' them Krystals so much. You want me to start callin' you Fat River Dumplin' instead?" And of course you have to pronounce it like "Errrrrrrrrrleeeeeeeeeeeeen".

Then you, too, can be a Blues person!

Errrrrleeeeeen,

quote:

3. I was once married to a man named Clyde

My dad's name was Clyde....Clyde Arthur to be exact....and he was a Jr. (he was born and raised in Nebraska). He didn't like his name so when he joined the Navy, "Jack" became his nickname and stuck. My sister and I, to be annoying" would sometimes call him "Cly-Darthur"
Fortunately, no one ever referred to my mother as Bonnie.

Ciao, meow,
Pokey