I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I watched my best friend travel this path 5 years ago. As another poster said, baby step, by baby step she is,indeed,finding the light at the end of the tunnel.You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sheri
Posts: 119 | Location: Philadelphia,Pa | Registered: 13 August 2006
Oh my goodness! I cannot believe how much comfort I have received from everyone. Where2next....I did have someone tell me that traveling so soon was perhaps not the right thing to do. I really appreciated your comments....thanks for giving me confidence. Now I just need to find a way to sleep all through the night. I wake up at 3:30 AM and phone friends and family in England. At least someone is always awake.
Sandy, I am very saddened to read this. Please accept my sympathy for you and your family. I think I might choose to travel as well in your position. I certainly can understand the sentiment. Finding the emotional space where you can process this loss and change and giving yourself time are critical. I wish you well in this journey.
Sandy, I add my condolences to the many expressions of sympathy you have already received. I know this is a very difficult time, but you and your children WILL get through it and you WILL be OK. I pray for your comfort. Matt
Sandy, Just a note to let you know that my heart breaks with this news...such an emotionally traumatic time and such a shock for you and your boys. I've also walked a similar path, and what I can tell you is that you must do what feels right for you, not listening to others who would have you walk this path their way.
Travel, go for it. Pack up, get on the next flight or the next train and go. There's lots of time ahead for getting into the nitty gritty of the grieving process when you come home, ok? If traveling somewhere nurturing and soothing feels right, just do it, darling child.
On Joy and Sorrow by Kahlil Gibran
"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed." Brenda
Thanks so much! I have decided today that we will fly to England to visit relatives and friends and also to scatter my husband's ashes in his family plot. We will take a detour somewhere on our own for a few days from Dec. 22-26th. We were thinking of Paris, Rome or Amsterdam. Does anyone know which city is easiest to visit on Christmas for me and my 13 year old son? We have never been to Amsterdam or Rome but love Paris. My son wants to see Rome but on our own, I am not sure.
My 1st thought would be to go to Paris as it is a place you are comfortable with.
My other thought and of course this is deeply personal and only for you to decide..
Is Rome and the Vatican would have been just too religious for me. I think it would have caused me to hit the anger stage of why god did you do this to us. but that's just me and you may find comfort being there.
you mentioned about not sleeping that is very common and we always woke up around 3am. strange but true. I would suggest trying to drink some herbal chamomille tea, go to Whole Foods a pick up PURE essential oil lavendar spray and mist your pillow. These are 2 natural ways to combat insomnia. Practice deep inhale hold for 5 seconds then slowly exhale in 5 seconds. repeat 10-20 times.
Be careful about any meds as they can be depressants and thats the last thing you need.
I know I mentioned the book, but I do want you to know it was given to me and I couldn't pick it up for about 4 months, but once i did ...all my feelings and thoughts began to make sense. It is also something that I would share with your immediate support system as well. I gave it to my boss and boyfriend at the time ...and it helped them understanding what I felt and how to "handle" me in the most supportive way that really kept me moving one foot in front of another!
We scattered my fathers ashes at the beach...and we got a lot of crap about that too..as it's not proper ..we should have a funeral...tune people out..this is a deeply personal decision and none of their business.
Now let;s talk about guardian angels because this will bring you peace. Your husband is now your guardian angel, he is looking out for you, he can see the bigger picture and there will be times you will feel his presence.
Here's just 2 of my stories..
1. Many times I've been faced with a dilema or I was worried about my mom...feeling such stress and anxiety..the days that I would actually say out loud...hey dad I could use a little help down here..send me some sort of sign...I would go to bed and wake up refreshed and seem to have all the answers on the best course of action.
2. Here's the biggest one...
when I was a child until my father died..he would teach me how to play chess, using the chess game as analogies of life..no one really knew about this it was our one on one time. fast forward 14 years after he dies and I have just become engaged.
I have a MIL who is horrid and that's being kind, the things she pulled during the wedding planning would cause your jaw to drop, not even Dr. Phil could fix this woman. I was at my breaking point of the devastation she was causing me.. while everyone my husband, mom, best friend and others tried to console..I was ready to call off the wedding. I could not imagine have to deal with this kind unbelievable nastiness the rest of my life.
A gentleman my fathers age who I know but have never had an intimate conversation before pulled me aside. I should note this...he never met my father or knew anyone my father knew.
He said that he felt this overwhelming need to talk to me about my MIL problem
When he started to talk he began with this...
I think of you as a daughter..Maybe you need to approach this as if you were if you were playing a game of chess..
Needless to say I began bawling uncontrollably. The advice this man gave me was exactly what my father would of have said.
I asked him why he gave the chess analogy, he said he didnt know as he had never done that before, but it seemed like the perfect way to deliver his thoughts.
So, when things are overwhelming just remember you aren't alone!
Sandy - I have hesitated to give advice on something as huge as this and feel free to ignore all I say as this is just stranger to stranger talk and everyone is different as to how they react.
However, this is the way I look at it. I think if you are choosing to stay in a big city over the Christmas period I would advise against staying in an apartment but go to a hotel where there will be other people around. I know you have your son with you but the days around Christmas can be an incredibly lonely time when you know everyone else is with their families and the world appears to stand still for a day, with closed shops and restaurants. If you were to go to somewhere like a ski resort there would be action and distraction for your son even on those days but that may not be something that appeals to you. I just throw it into the pot as an example of being away but not being isolated because there are always other people around when you are on a 'doing' holiday.
Of course this is a purely personal view and when I have been bereaved I needed other people around me to talk to. You may just want to be alone.
I think I would be inclined to suggest staying with the relatives or friends over that period and travelling to Continental Europe either before or after (on a purely economic note, of course it would be a lot cheaper as prices rocket for travelling around the period you are talking about). Or, if you feel you might be burdening your relatives, to stay nearby and maybe join them for Christmas Day itself? That one day is an enormous hurdle to get over, for a lot of people, and for most people I think, is best done with people you know to help you past it.
As to the Paris, Rome or Amsterdam thing, I think if natives of these cities are on here they are best to advise on being there over the Christmas period. I spent 4 days with my son in Rome when he was 15 and we found it very easy to navigate and a very welcoming place (we stayed in a hotel and neither of us had been there before). Depending on how religious you are, it may or may not be the place to be as where2next wisely points out. You will certainly find activity in the churches and probably some lovely choral performances and of course if your son is into Roman history he will just love it. You could set him to the task of researching all the places to go and their history so that when you are there, he can take you on his own 'guided tour'.
"Now let's talk about guardian angels because this will bring you peace. Your husband is now your guardian angel, he is looking out for you, he can see the bigger picture and there will be times you will feel his presence."
I believe this with all my heart. He will be perhaps more with you now than ever before and you will feel his voice helping you make your decisions.
I have not read the Kubler-Ross book that has been recommended but I just pulled "The Wheel of Life-A Memoir of Living and Dying" by the same author off my book shelf. It is a book I very much appreciated reading many years ago. I'm betting the suggested reading by Kubler-Ross would be very helpful.
Please keep us informed of how you are doing. We care very much. Barb Cabot
Posts: 587 | Location: Long Beach, California | Registered: 27 August 2007
Everytime we hear a strange noice or the clinking noise in the empty kitchen sink, we hope it is him.
I am thinking strongly towards Amsterdam as the detour. I had read somewhere that even the Ann Frank Museum is open Xmas day as they celebrate their Xmas on Dec 5th. I just hope we can afford to do that.
I think Rome is too big for me on my own with TJ.
I am having troubles sleeping at nights. My son and I find the nights incredibly lonely. Here are two goofy photos we took yesterday of ourselves
Sandy, I am so very sorry for your enormous and sudden loss. I have watched three woman friends in their late 40's go through the pain of losing their husbands much too young. All of them have found comfort, strength and some measure of happiness through travel. In time I am sure you will too. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sandy, have you considered Hawaii for Christmas. Our neighbour took her two fairly young children to Hawaii for the first Christmas after she lost her husband. I think the general idea was that being in a warm climate would be much less Christmasy.
It is also a fairly easy journey from here on the West Coast.
Sheena
Posts: 2271 | Location: West Vancouver, B.C. Canada | Registered: 28 February 2004
I've been away and have just now read your so-sad news. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, and I'm glad you came here to this group. I could just feel the support enveloping you as I read all the posts.
I'm glad you are looking ahead and planning a special time with your son this Christmas.
I have two tickets put on hold using our Alaska Air points. We leave Vancouver, fly to LA with a long stopover and then fly on British Airways to London for our connection to Amsterdam. We want to stay around five days and then possibly head to Tenerife or Rome. We then are flying to Aberdeen Scotland to stay with friends before we fly back by way of LA. I feel lucky to get the tickets on short notice but equally frightened to do it on our own. We need to get an apt. as we will not be able to afford eating a lot of meals out. Rome scares me on our own but my son really wants to go there.
Thanks for everyone's kind comments and suggestions Sandy
Just taking that first step is important. I'm sure a lot of people here on ST will have suggestions for the logistics of your trip, so don't be frightened.
Nancy
Posts: 1376 | Location: SoCal - Cherry Valley CA | Registered: 15 February 2004
My deepest sympathies. I haven't followed the whole discussion, but to answer one matter, the Anne Frank House's only closing day is Yom Kippur. I was there a few weeks ago and it's very moving, but it can be visited in an hour. Dec. 5 is a traditional gift-giving day in the Netherlands, but I understand that Christmas Day on Dec. 25 is the generally observed holiday when things shut down.
I think your travel plans sound wonderful and don't be too worried about Rome -- there are so many experts here on Slow Travel, you'll find lots of help and support.
In terms of Rome apartments, Natalia at Dolce Roma is wonderful to work with and has gotten many great reviews here.
Sandy, I just got back from Europe, and read your brave and sad post and all the great replies. I'm so sorry for this great shock to you and your son. I remember all the planning you did here for your trip to Europe. You know that lots of us are up at 3 am on this board don't you?!; you can always peek in to see who is up, when you can't sleep. Personally, I think travel is a great healer, and with just the two of you going, you will be very brave and do it just the way that is right for you. Wherever you decide to go, remember about the GTG's that are always being planned. There must be someone else from here, in Rome or Amsterdam at the same time as you. Sometimes strangers can be of great comfort, though on this board we are more like new friends that we just don't know very well yet. Any advice that you need just let us know. Now you and your son go and start planning your trip!
Rome scares me on our own but my son really wants to go there.
Me too, but I went anyway with my 19 year old grandson. Sandy, darling child...just do it.We rented the apartment right beside the Colosseum from Natalia and Walther of Dolce Roma, Colosseum view 1. It was perfect for us, not too far out of the center, but not too close in, either.
Don't forget, there is the hop on hop off bus that is available for you and your son, if you need an easy preview of the city and where everything is located. And best of all, Tony da Roma is there, with his wonderful guided tours. He's the best! I think you'd love to have him take you on one or two of his delightful walking tours.
This is such a fantastic thing that you are doing for you and your son. Don't think for a moment that your husband won't be right there with you, cheering you on, hugging both of you close to himself and loving you and that darling boy of yours always.
My beloved brother passed just before my granddaughter and I left for our London and Paris trip this past July. It was so heartbreaking for me to lose him and then to have to leave, so closely after his passing. BUT, going was the best thing I could have done! For one thing, it clearly showed me that he truly is with me always.
Here's what happened... In one of the conversations that he had with his wife just before he passed, he asked her if she thought he'd see heaven. They had quite a lengthy talk about that and he wondered if dying was going to be as painful for him as living had been and he said that he dearly hoped that he'd see a heaven on the other side.
THEN, a couple of weeks later when my granddarling and I were driving to Edmonton International to fly to London, she was napping with her I-Pod cranked up to warp volume, and I was sliding back into the grieving and
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I think you'd love to have him take you on one or two of his delightful walking tours.