I've been thinking about this, since reading another thread about a stressful trip with friends, and I thought this might be an interesting topic. Here's a few thoughts about my experiences...

My oldest and best friend and I have always maintained that we love each other so dearly but we would kill each other if we were to travel together. We are so like peas in a pod in our irritability factors...crabby to the nth degree if we get woken up from a great sleep-in; not worth a pound of spit before we've showered and eaten a great breakfast of fresh fruit, hot cereal and a boiled egg with toast; super-super-particular about the food we eat, the clothes we wear and the bed we sleep in. We've occasionally toyed with the idea of travelling together, and the glue in our friendship is that we haven't!

My best travelling-friend and I travel so well together because we eat the same kind of food at the same time of day, we function on exactly the same schedule like it is hard-wired into our personalities, we both take breaks from each other when we need to and neither of us takes it personally, and we are ready to get into our 'jammies at the same time in the evening. We've travelled together several times and so far, so good. It is a lovely easy time together, and so rare between friends that we both treasure it completely. I think the biggest thing that makes it work is that we both are capable and willing to take care of ourselves and we don't look for the other person to carry the whole load.

My second oldest and dearest friend is talking about travelling with me next year. I'm not sure it will fly, because she's an early riser and I'm not; she's a go-go-go person, and I'm not; I'm a lover of a great breakfast and she's not; I don't look at the clock at all when I go on vacation, with the rare exception of having an appointment for a guided tour or getting to the airport or train station on time...she lives and dies by her watch, 3 travel alarms, and her cell phone clock. D'ya see a tragedy awaiting me here?

This is likely why I have always told her that I cannot travel with her...I'm not saying anything about her at all here...I'm simply recognizing how I am and what I need for my comfort when travelling. If I thought that she could respect what I need to be comfortable, I'd go in a heartbeat. What I hear from her is a whole lot about how much I miss by not hitting the ground running with her at 5:00 A.M. and then going full speed ahead til collapsing at midnight!

She cannot understand how I like to "lollygag around", reading or napping or staring out into the distance with a glass of wine and a shawl over my lap. I have explained to her that an important part of a trip for me is to take my paints and spend some time drawing, then painting my small sketches...she laughed and said, "I am not going to travel halfway around the world to watch YOU sit and paint!"

The thing is this...my trip is my vacation. It is a rest, a break from the action, a time without the schedule that I live by, every day at work...the clock, the phone and my appointment book regulate my life. I need time away from that schedule...ergo, my vacation!

I often hear people asking me about travelling solo...they wonder how I can do it, why I do it, why I don't get lonely. The truth is that I haven't ever pi$$ed myself off, I haven't ever kept myself waiting, I've always paid my own share of my dinner tab and I never stay out late getting completely tipsy-toddled, and then stagger in, crashing into walls, to wake myself up at 4:30 in the morning! In other words, I'm a spectacularly fabulous travelling companion...for myself! Anyone wanna come along with me?

"I have found out there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them."
~ Mark Twain "Tom Sawyer Abroad"
Brenda

quote:

My second oldest and dearest friend is talking about travelling with me next year. I'm not sure it will fly, because she's an early riser and I'm not; she's a go-go-go person, and I'm not; I'm a lover of a great breakfast and she's not; I don't look at the clock at all when I go on vacation, with the rare exception of having an appointment for a guided tour or getting to the airport or train station on time...she lives and dies by her watch, 3 travel alarms, and her cell phone clock. D'ya see a tragedy awaiting me here?

It looks to me like you have answered your own question here.

Don't waste a perfectly wonderful trip to Italy by going with an incompatible traveling companion.

Just my opinion, of course . . .

Yep, Nancy, I'd pretty much decided that!
Writing it down to post it here crystalized it for me...as much as I love her and as long as we've been friends, I'm thinking that to remain friends, we'd best not go down that road together. There'd likely be an accident waiting to happen, if we do.

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.” ...a rule for loving your kids...applies to friends as well, I think
Brenda

Traveling as a group of 3 women as I sadly found out really can't work despite careful planning,consideration and optimistic hopes that personalities and schedules can mesh. I think it would've worked fine if I were with one or the other alone.
I took my really good girlfriend who lives 2 houses away from me in Fla to Italy with me last year and we had the best 2 week vacation with some sightseeing,alot of shopping,eating actually pigging out and lots of laughing , relaxing and fun! .She's a nurse like me and we overindulged in gelato and vino too ...which is why I didn't have any this year ( oh gosh what a headache I had)plus I was the driver this year.Next year she wants to go back with me, well so does my sister-in-law that I don't really know as well and scares me a lot. I am already stressed and terrified as I am faced with a tough situation and what to do.I think and by my experience taking a good girlfriend is really ok as long as you understand each other before leaving and are able to accept each others idiosyncracies (is that how you spell it?). Gosh what great memories you can have. I will always take a girlfriend with me for my first 2 weeks before my husband comes over.It can work!

Brenda,
Sounds like you're being very honest about your friendships, which is wonderful. It shows great respect for your friends.


On a recent trip with my best friend and another couple, I discovered the couple just doesn't travel the same as my husband & I, even tho we are so similar in tastes and interests here at home. It was a harsh realization.

My best friend and I were completely compatable! I'm a planner on trips, she's a planner professionally and therefore relinquishes all control on vacation - it was perfect! We are already talking of our next big trip together - maybe just the girls.
They say opposites attract... ya never know how it'll work out until ya try.

quote:

They say opposites attract... ya never know how it'll work out until ya try.

Loie and I have had (almost all) good and (a little spot of) bad luck with traveling companions. We feel the most important point is to be with people from whom you can be independent if you both want to be. It's wonderful to have companions with whom to share, that's for sure. It's best to have companions with whom you share most of your experiences. It's fine to have companions with whom you share some experiences. But it's no fun to travel with folks who cease to be companions.

If one's friends have totally different schedules and interests, what's the point in going together at all? One never really knows until one tries, but the danger signs can be clear: trouble agreeing beforehand on what to do; insistence on having only one vehicle for a large party; known incompatibilties in personal schedules (night owls and morning people).

A neat little story...

Several years ago, on our first trip to Italy, we were part of a group of 30, touring Tuscany for about 10 days. We didn't know anyone else on the tour, and we were staying in one location, doing day trips, so if we wanted to stay behind and do our own thing, well, it was fine. We met a couple on the plane trip going there that were in our group, too. They were from a nearby town and we became famous friends. They really MADE our trip! We would hang out together, have dinners away from the group, sit at cafes while the rest of the tour rushed about. That trip was memorable for two reasons -- one, I discovered that I hate tours, second, we found some of the best traveling buds ever! Since that trip, we've taken five or six other vacations with them, all wonderfully fun. BTW, we rarely see them at home, isn't that strange? Perhaps three or four times a year, we'll meet for dinner...but when it's time to plan a week in the Carribean, they are the first folks we contact...

I love that they are our friends,
Jennifer

Brenda -

Interesting topic. I think you do have to "research" all aspects of any trip, including who you are going with, and what your individual goals are. We on this board take a lot of time looking into airfares, accommodations, places to eat and visit, transportation and activities. But it might be a good idea to start a list of things that make you go hmmmm about choosing travelling companions, you know?

When I was 21 and had just graduated nursing school, my best friend and I hiked the Appalachian Trail for 2 months in North Carolina, Tennessee, and Virginia. There was so much we had in common; this trip was really my first SlowTrip, and a total success. We so bonded on our hike.

I have another girlfriend, whom I love dearly, who wants to take a couples trip with me and Stu and her boyfriend, but I am definitely not game - we are close and fast friends, but our ideas of fun during a vacation are different, so I put the kabash on travelling with her.

And there's some people I've travelled with where I just "offer it up" - they're control freaks and it's not that important to me, so rather than be miserable, I let them call the moves. Mind you, this hasn't happened very often, but there are times when you have to take the path of least resistance, and then take notes for next time.

Maybe the first thing I'd put on my list about choosing a travelling companion is to identify your individual goals for the trip.

Any else?

Terry

We are going to be traveling with my brother, whom I am very close to, and his new girlfriend. It will only be for 5 or 6 days of our 3 weeks in Italy. Even still we are all aware of the potential for disaster. You spend a lot of time and energy not to mention money, planning and executing these trips. It behooves everyone to be as flexible as possible. Like Terry said, you first have to understand what everyone wants out of the trip and then be willing to compromise a bit and work to make everyones time as enjoyable as possible. I can't understand people that are so inflexible that they are willing to ruin someones vacation by being late or loud or pushy.

It will be interesting to see how it all works out. Best laid plans and all. We don't know the new GF very well, but there are no red flags so far. My brother and I can get cranky with each other sometimes, but we have been best friends for too many years to let that get in the way and work to not push each others buttons.

If there are red flags of any kind, don't do it. Not worth losing a friend or more importantly a precious trip to another country.

jb

I enjoy my friends and many have asked to join us in Italy and, as much as I like them, I don't want OUR vacation to the THEIR vacation. A day or two with a friend is okay but not the whole trip as, no matter HOW WELL you plan there will be times you don't want to do the same thing.

Judith and I have learned to deal with our differences (I rise early; she sleeps in... she needs the tv at night; I can read and cash out... I plan; she is spur of the moment) However, we are the BEST of traveling companions as though we do our "timing" differently, our "passion" for what we see and do is the cement on the day.

Her enthusiasm for, sometimes the tiniest thing, like a lone brick in a wall, a wooden shutter, is what fuels the day for me!! She is not as adventurous with food as I am but she allows me the enjoyment of what I would like. Though her meal may be different, the wine is the same for us both.

To us, passagiata is our time... to sit at a table in any piazza, glass of wine in hand... all is right in the world!!

Doug

This is an interesting topic, which seems to basically boil down to whether or not you can travel with people who are different than you. And I guess it depends on where the differences are!

For myself, I think it's great to have a travel companion who enjoys the same things you do-- seeing the same things and generally doing the same things. However, I don't think they necessarily have to be really similar in personality. For example, I can go either way-- if nobody steps up, I will be the "map person" for the trip, the person who calls in advance and makes arrangements, etc. However, if I find someone with the same general interests but more experience, I can be completely happy letting them make the arrangements and deciding where to go. It's actually quite relaxing to just let one of those "go getter" people take everything in hand.

One of the best experiences I had was with a small group of people who split up for various activities, and then went together to some major attractions. At the beginning I didn't know anyone, but during the course of the trip I met a gentleman who had been to the entire area many times before and knew all the special "secret" places. I tagged along behind him for the entire trip and had an experience like none other!

It also seems curious how a lot of us agree that our traveling companions are not necessarily our best friends, or even people that we'd get together with often at home. I've found this to be true as well. Maybe when you're traveling, the journey itself forms a common bond that allows you to form relationships with people that wouldn't normally be there?

And then of course there are the times when a travel companion turns into a lifelong friendship... I love that most of all!!!

I couldn't resist:

Just don't write about your experiences.

I've thought about this subject, also. Bill and I usually travel alone. When I was younger, I traveled alone if Bill didn't have the time (or interest).

As a couple, we are like Doug and Judith. Bill sleeps very little and I need 9 hours. Bill reads until I arise in the morning. He likes indoor stuff (galleries, museums) and I prefer outdoor (Pompeii, Ostia Antica, wandering, looking for the best gelateria, researching restaurants, cafe sitting and people watching).

I'm surpprised our marriage and traveling together has survived 49 years! But we have superglue about our interest in world events and our curiosities. We respect each other's knowledge and areas of expertise. We are interested listeners when the other shares new learnings.

I doubt that anyone else in the world could travel with me! And I'm grateful that Bill can.

Charity

My theory is that the more experienced the group, and the more often they all travel, the easier it is. People are more independent - willing to go off on their own if others don't feel like seeing the same places or doing the same thing. Also, they realize that they'll have the chance to come this way again, so don't need to see it ALL right now, or eat at this particular place today, so each decision isn't as fraught. More perspective in the sense that you know you'll always have places you don't get to see or do, and there is more give & take possible.

I think that unless there is complete agreement about itinerary, accomdations, pace of travel, budget, relentless togetherness is a bad idea. Plan for time apart.

Another thing to consider when travelling to a favorite place is that a lot of your time will be taken up showing your companions the sights you think they will enjoy seeing.

On the one hand this is good.
Sharing a passion, and hoping they will be enthralled by the same things, can be very satisfying.

On the other hand, if you've already been to the Sistine Chapel, or Westminster Abbey, or the Louvre 5 times, you may want to spend your time searching out new treasures rather than being the "tour guide".

We are going to Italy with another couple this November, the husband has never been there, and the wife only once, and that time she was with me.

One of the things we have all agreed on is that breakfast and dinner will always be together, early day activities may or may not, depending on destination.

One major difference between us? I love churches and care nothing about shopping, she has no interest in churches and loves to shop.

We hope we can each accomplish our individual goals and still have a great trip as a foursome.
I think it will work.

I am counting my blessings today.

I'm so lucky, because the sister I have had three trips to Italy with in the past five years (and we are going again this year and also next year), like me, loves both churches AND shopping! And the more of both - the better!

My husband and I have been to Italy with both friends and relatives (also Paris, London, Amsterdam, and Brussels now that I think of it.) We pretty much negotiate their movements from town to town when they come along. I am an avid guidebook reader so I can make suggestions on what they might like to see. After that, they are on their own. I am happy to meet them for dinner and see what they have done. Their happiness is completely up to them as far as I am concerned. My husband and I usually announce the next days plans the evening before. If anyone wants to go, fine. I don't mind modifying a trip too much if they have a great desire to see a certain town and I am at least moderately interested also. Everybody seems to stay pretty happy that way.

I keep trying to think of anybody I would want to travel with, and I can only come up with my daughters (19 & 17)....although they probably don't want to travel with ME! (but like all good children, if Mom's paying...well, we might consider it, but generally they prefer to travel with their friends!)

My husband and I have finally come to terms in our differing travel styles after nearly twenty years of bickering and quite a few crummy trips where neither of us was very happy. Finally, he lets me sleep in while he gets up early, eats, prowls around town and makes friends. About the time I'm ready to open my eyes, he shows up with a cup of coffee....gives me time to putter around getting ready and then we're good for the day, as long as he slows down for me to eat occasionally and find a restroom. (ask me about our trip to Disneyworld when we went full throttle on his schedule from sunrise 'til midnight every day, and the kids were begging..."PLEASE don't make us go to Disneyworld tomorrow" by day 4!) He's definitely mellowed since then!

There's nobody I can even think of who wants to go to the Louvre with me everyday until I've finished looking at everything, so one of these days I'm just going by myself. I think I'm just too high maintenance to travel with somebody I can't yell at!

Interesting to travel with one of your kids...I did that last April! My son travelled with me, his mom, for a month in Italy and France...and one of the saving graces for us was that we stayed in separate accommodations, accommodations that we each loved.

I rented an apartment that gave me the space inside, the full kitchen, laundry, the out-of-the-way location and the little bit of luxury that I love.

He booked into several small, quaint hotels along the way, and that gave him the closeness to the center of the city and the ability to get up, shower and shave, then go out for an espresso and a cigarette at a near-by cafe, and that kept him happy.

We had our hassles, for sure...I was over-the-edge with a badbadbad case of jet-lag, compounded with extremely low blood sugar for the first few days in Florence, and I think that it was hard for him to be around me, until I shook that off. Our week in Paris was totally disrupted because of the theft that I had to deal with, so those were stressful times for him and for me as well, because I was so emotional and teary so many times. He was doing everything he knew how to do to make it better for me, and it wasn't better because I still hadn't processed the shock, fear, the feeling of being violated and the anger at having my first ever trip to Paris disrupted and basically destroyed by idiots.

Still, in the end, I was so delighted to be able to share this first trip to Europe with him, and he was pretty proud of me for taking such a huge step to spend a whole month in Europe for the first time in my life. I think it was a very normal and very delightful parent-child trip...not perfect but better than a lot of group/family trips, from what I hear.

What could we have done to make it better?
I think we did the best we could under the given circumstances, which were so totally out of our control.

However, next time I'd make sure to take a day, or maybe even 2, to vedge out after arrival, to let my body become accustomed to the time change. Rather than hitting the ground running right off the bat, it might have been waaaaay smarter for both of us to lay low for a day or two.

I'd also make a point of not trying to tough it out, if something like that theft happens, God forbid. I'd make sure to spend some time with someone, either someone with me or someone back home via phone, processing the situation and talking it through. Then I could go on to enjoy my trip, without carrying around the awful baggage from the incident in my heart.

One thing that might make these group trips work better is to hopefully have all people involved on the same maturity level...only then can each person be who they are, do what is necessary for their own well-being and not have others in the group take it personally or be upset by it.

After all, people don't intentionally do the things they do to pi$$ us off. They mostly do those things because that's who they are and how they operate. Being pi$$ed off is actually our own reaction to what we interpret as their reason for their action. People aren't late in order to make our day a misery. That it is a misery is something else again, but the thing to understand is that they aren't intentionally doing these things to ruin our day.

My travelling best friend and I get along so wonderfully because she plain and simple carries her share of the load. I'm usually the one who arranges, organizes and plans everything. When we travel, she takes care of her share and what's more, sometimes takes care of some of mine as well. What a treat that is...having someone else taking some of the load, without being asked! Fantastic!

I think it helps to communicate everything to each other BEFORE you go...what each person needs, wants and expects from the trip. My travel friend and I sat down before our first trip, looked each other in the eye and said, "What are the things that will totally pi$$ you off, if I do them? Make me a list and then I'll do my best not to do those things."

My list was short...
Don't leave the bathroom a disaster area after your shower. Hang up the wet towels.
Wipe out the sink, so I don't have to do it before I use it.
For God's sake, flush the toilet!!!

Her list was equally short...
Don't leave the kitchen a mess after making a meal or snack.
Wipe the counter clean.
Put away all of the food.
Wash your own dishes.
Take out the trash every so often.

We also made a cash kitty. We put in $100 each, for gas for the car, joint grocery shopping, cab rides and so on. When that ran out we kicked in another $100 each. No fighting about who pays for what. She carried the $$$ and kept track of it, because I didn't want to and she liked doing it.

The strange thing is that I love some of the people in my life with all of my heart...I just cannot imagine travelling with them! That says nothing at all about them...but a whole lot about ME.

I like what I like, when I like it. I am soooo not a morning person. I HAVE to eat something every couple of hours to keep my blood sugar normal, and that something cannot be junk food or fast food. I'm a neat freak. I think these traits make me a difficult person to travel with, for someone who IS an early bird, eats whenever or not at all, eats at MacDonald's or Arby's, and may not be the tidiest person around.

Lovely how we are all so different...otherwise we'd all end up at the same place at the same time, eating at the same restaurants and visiting the same cathedrals! Vive le difference...bring it on!

"Human diversity makes tolerance more than a virtue; it makes it a requirement for survival." Rene Dubos
Brenda

Perhaps it's a sign that I got issues but I would rather travel alone than with friends or family. Ick.

The first time I traveled with my now husband, I almost passed out from hunger while he read every menu on every restaurant. It took awhile for him to realize, when I said I wanted food, it meant NOW. We have been overseas many times now and have worked out many of the kinks. Another thing is, we have been traveling for many years, and we have had to make adjustments for advancing age over time. Now after we get overseas we take a nap, search